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marshahubert
Here is another recipe that may prove impossible for most of you to make (like the disk-blade stove...sorry!) because it calls for fresh wild trout right out of the stream that you caught and conked out yourself. Store bought trout can not substitute here because basically, well, the seasoning is nothing special. It's the taste of trout so fresh it's still thinking of swimming away that makes this so damn good. So, all you need to do is find a creek or lake with some trout in it and take your fishing rod and go get some. If you want to do it in style, get a fly-fishing lesson then watch Brad Pitt in A River Runs Through It five times in a row, then get online and print out a hot picture of Brad fishing and tape it to your chest with a big heart drawn around his head (or whatever part) in sharpie pen, then put a cooler full of cold ones in the trunk, head to the stream and catch ye some dinner. If you don't know how to fly fish i saw in a movie once how this old lady was stranded and needed to eat, so she took off her panty-ho's and cut one of the legs off and tied the open end to two sticks then stuck the sticks in the mud under water in the creek and then an hour later the Ho was full of fish. I'm sure this will probably work too, it's just that it's not quite as sexy as Brad Pitt was getting all wet and drippy in the stream and falling in and then with that wet shirt clinging to him and you know his chin and uh....all that. The old lady with her skirt hiked up, no ho's, squatting uncomfortably in a muddy creek and holding her back because she had arthritis and then couldn't really stand up straight is a little less exciting. So i guess, if you're opting for the panty-ho fishing technique you should still probably tape the picture of Brad Pitt to your chest and maybe try and find a creek a bit off the road for some privacy. Although, it's kind of a no-brainer, who would choose an old Ho over Brad?



Fried WILD Trout

INGREDIENTS:

fresh wild trout- whatever you can catch.
fresh parsley- finely chopped, or not if you're too lazy or been drinking and watching Brad re-runs
fresh garlic- finely chopped
dry cheese, like parmesian, romano, asagio, myzithra, etc. -FINELY GRATED
fresh lemon
olive oil- use the good shit, people.
salt and pepper

This recipe is basically painfully simple, like most of my recipes, because really....who's got time? Finely chop and grate everything. Drizzle fish in oil inside and out and give a little squeeze of fresh lemon on there too. Then generously sprinkle all the ingredients into the body cavity of the fish. Sprinkle i said! don't STUFF it. The flavor of fresh trout is very delicate and it's easy to overpower it. so don't go insane on the garlic and cheese. salt and pepper inside and out.

Then just fry 'em up in olive oil on medium heat. you don't need to flour the fish. you don't eat the skin anyhow and the colors of the wild trout are super pretty and you don't want to cover that up. how long this takes depends on how big your trout are. 4-5 minutes per side is kind of average, but you'll just have to look at the meat. should be firm and white and the skin should be crisp and brown. when the eyes turn white and pop out you're good to go. make sure and smash the side of the head into the pan for a good searing on the cheek because trout cheeks are the finest delicacy in all the world of edible. what? you haven't had trout cheeks? clams of the mountains? shit people. ok, just fry these baby's up, then poke your fork where the cheek is, remove the skin and there you have it. i know it seems a little gross, but if you eat meat then you better be able to handle digging out a little cheek, or gutting your own fish or killing the critter in the first place. this is just life. oh, yeah....and death.


















fish cheek: you can't miss it.
 
 
marshahubert
30 May 2008 @ 07:51 am

Listen up muffin-eaters! it's time to raise your standards. time to take stock of your muffin-eating past and make some tough choices about your muffin-loving future. we all know that good muffins are few and far between and finding truly great muffins? well, you probably have a better chance of stumbling upon a unicorn getting it on with a grizzly bear. until now. the following is not a recipe, it's a magic spell. it's a muffin-potion. it will conjure from the depths of human desire a muffin so desirable, so inviting, so bewitching that with the first wafting aromas you will be dragged heart and soul into the deepest reaches of mufflove. and you won't ever, ever want any other muffin again.



FUCKING GREAT PUMPKIN MUFFINS

A word of advice when in the act of making these muffins, you may want to send the children to the neighbors and draw the blinds. men, it's advisable to wear something loose fitting....ditch the tighty-whities or you could be in a tight situation.

1 heaping cup pumpkin (canned is actually better than fresh for these)
1 cup packed brown sugar
2 eggs
1/3 cup milk
2 tbs molassis
3 tbs butter, melted
1 heaping tsp ground ginger (or more if you are a ginger fan)
1/2 tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp nutmeg
1/8 tsp ground clove
1/8 tsp salt


Mix all the above up super good.

Then add:
2 cups four
2 tsp baking powder

Mix it up.


Add:
2/3 cup chopped walnuts (or raisins, or pumpkin seeds)

Fill up muffin cups in muffin tin and spoon topping over each one. will make 12 big muffins.


TOPPING:
2 TBS butter, cold
2 tbs flour
1 tbs sugar
dash cinnamon

cut butter into the dry ingredients with a pastry cutter until cumbly. sprinkle on top of each muffin.


Bake in 350 degree oven on high center rack for 23-24 minutes. don't overcook these! they are best super moist.

 

 

Fucking great pumpkin muffins:


 
 
marshahubert
ok ok..i know what you're thinking. these recipes are supposed to be so simple you can do them in a drunken stupor. so what's up with the hard core cooking equipment? well, sometimes it's better to just get drunk and watch. and so i'm not expecting that everyone is going to be able to pull this meal off. but i suspect some of you might have the balls to try. this is old school cooking...or 3rd world cooking...because not only do you have to scrounge up the ingredients, you have to build your own kitchen. for this kitchen, all we needed was an old army issue jeep, a wine barrel,  an old disk blade and a tank of propane. what the hell is a disk you say? for those of you who are not in the farm belt it's the round thingy that gets pulled behind a tractor and turns the soil and run critters out of their holes. i'm sure if you snoop around you can find one. but be sure and wash it real good. (if you're in the city...i don't know, you might have to use a trash can lid or a manhole cover....).

The Camino!
This is what my brother calls the disk/pan burner apparatus. (it is such a bad pun in spanish having to do with it's similarity to a wok....but i won't even try and explain. because it's really not that funny.) but anyhow. that's it's name. so...how to build the Camino. i don't fucking know. are you serious? did you think i was going to get into that? again....i just am drinking and watching this time. but i gathered second hand that basically...they took and old disk blade and welded it onto some kind of stand. then put a propane burner under it like you might use for a lobster pot. attach that to a propane tank, set the whole thing on top of an empty wine barrel and there you have it. The Camino. do not fucking ask: why not just use a wok?! a wok is too thin...apparently. and that's all the answer to that i got.

for the rest of the kitchen, just pull up with an old jeep or truck and let the tailgate down. this serves as the perfect serving counter and you can just hose it down when you're done.

Longanisa Tacos

ok gringo's- a warning. yeah...just go to a Mexican carniceria for this stuff. don't even try and piece it together from the grocery store. especially the spices. a good carniceria will sell tubs of this stuff but they won't label it and they won't tell you what's in it and it's usually proprietary and so just don't ask. you don't really need to know. as for the meat, the arrachera is basically just thin thin sliced beef. Longanisa is a sausage similar to chorizo, but it's very dry.

and a DISCLAIMER! this recipe originally comes from Arturo Covarrubias, cellar master, amazing cook and grouchy bad ass. he taught my brother (Nino) how to make these and we all know, arturo's taco's kick ass and we all are just humble beggars at his feet for any delicious crumbs that may fall our way. and this version is my brothers.....as the wine attests to. but stay tuned in the future for some recipes straight from the master himself.

Ingredients:


Meat: (the ratio should be 2 to 1. 2 parts Arrachera to 1 part Longanisa)
Carne Arrachera (super super thin sliced beef)
Longanisa (or chorizo seco)
....if you can't get Longanisa, use chorizo fresco

Spice:
Sasanado Res
(beef seasoning)

Veg:
whole green onions
jalapeno peppers or serrano
tomato
avocado
cilantro

fresh salsa, red and verde
corn tortillas


Chop the meat and sausage up into little chunks. wipe the Camino down with oil and light the burner.  put the meat in before the pan warms up too much. add a little water and a bunch of spice.  throw the onions and peppers on the meat and let them steam on top.

so here is the basic process....as i gathered by observing between keg runs. you basically cook the meat and every now and then add water to make sure things aren't sticking. the water evaporates and steams the veggies. add tons of the spice through out. can't say how much. my brother says you really can't use too much...but do it to taste i guess. towards the end my brother added red wine instead of water. Arturo would have thrown a spatula, but he wasn't here so it was fine...and tasted actually very good. he ended up using a whole bottle.(it would have been drunk anyhow...). about 5 minutes before the meat is done you lay the tortillas on top of everything and let them steam and soak up the sauce. do both sides. when everything is done, push the onions, peppers and tortillas to the edge and scoop the meat making sure to scoop from the bottom, getting all the sauce mixed in.

serve on corn tortillas with all the toppings and a side of cheap mexican beer.




disk blades! snag one for your Camino....make sure you wash the pesticides off first!



cooking in the Camino! scooch the veggies to the edge and continue to brown the meat.



steam action:



steam the tortillas on top.









toppings served from a tailgate:





Sasanado Res











technically, you should serve these tacos with beer or tequila, but don't pitch a fit if all you have is really old wine, aged whisky, scotch and cigars.
 
 
marshahubert
16 May 2008 @ 01:32 pm
It is time to admit to something that you would not expect from me. and this is hard for me to say, but i guess i just need to get it out there. i don't actually live anywhere near an actual "grocery" store. that's right. no Whole Foods, no Nugget Market, no Corti Brothers. no. my house is conveniently located between the bus stop and the smoke shop, a perfect spot for chain smoking runaways and drifters, but not a great place for a watercress and mitzithra salad. the closest thing to a grocery store is 5 blocks down and is usually referred to as Stinky Albertson's or The Grocery Whorehouse, depending on which door you use. there are times, friends, when i have to shop there. like when i run out of gas in the driveway or have had my license suspended. anyway. today was one of those days. but there is one definite up-side to shopping at the Grocery Whorehouse: cheap cuts of meat! there is a big big market in my neck of the woods for ham hocks, neck bones, ankles, shanks and....oh yeah, short ribs! and today....oh happy day...they were whoring out short ribs 6 fat ones for $2. oh....i'll have them. i'll have them all!!

as soon as i saw them there, in their fat yet bony splendor, i remembered the fantastic short ribs my mom used to make cooking all day in the crockpot. sweet, dripping, covered in short-rib gravy-goo...oh, so amazing. so i ran right home and called her up to get the recipe. i'm sure it was some variation of a Betty-Crocker-for-your-crockpot recipe. don't make that face! you know that bitch could cook.  mom answered and said she was way too busy to go looking up old recipes. she said it was something like red wine, catsup, onion, garlic...maybe carrots? who knows. she said whatever, it's short ribs. you can't fuck 'em up. she's so sweet. then she hung up the phone.

so i looked around my kitchen for those ingredients but i didn't really have everything. i had things that were kind of like other things. like i didn't have wine but i had beer. i had no carrots but i had catsup. so, basically, the following is NOT my mama's short ribs and it ain't Betty's either. but they are really really fuckin' good.


Not My Mama's Short Ribs

Ingredients:

Short Ribs (a pan full)
olive oil
large yellow onion
garlic 7-ish cloves
white potato's (or yukon...or whatever)
beer- something darkish, brown ale, you know
soy sauce
catsup
honey
brown sugar
salt
pepper

OVEN 350
generously sprinkle the ribs with salt and pepper then brown (get 'em really nice and browned!) in olive oil in a deep cast iron skillet. chop the onion and garlic and throw it in the pan with the ribs and saute a couple minutes. chop up some potato (enough to fill in around the ribs) into large chunks, throw them in the pan. turn the ribs over so the meaty side is down. pour beer in until ribs are at least 3/4 covered. now here it gets a little sketchy....didn't really measure anything. add some soy sauce, maybe...i don't know 1/4 cup? maybe less?  add a couple Tablespoons catsup. toss some honey in there....2Tish. and some brown sugar, just grab a handful and sprinkle it on top. add more salt and pepper. cover with a lid and bake for 4.5 to 5 hours.


brown them ribs!



 
 
marshahubert
11 May 2008 @ 08:22 pm
Mother F----....i know how late it is! but i got 3 more hours until mother's day is officially over. i would have had this up sooner but i couldn't get an internet connection from the bathroom where i had locked myself in for the day. so here it is...a little late, but you know what- every day is mother's day!


One Angry Mother
Ah mother's day... that mother of all days. and what does every mother need more than anything else? that's right! a stiff drink. what did you think we wanted? flowers? no no no. the only thing that makes being a mother any easier...is vodka. so skip the scones and the eggs benedict and get out the stir sticks.

This is a little variation on a bloody mary, but mary didn't have kids so she didn't need the few extras that i threw in here. This recipe calls for vodka, but you could easily use gin, or whatever you can grab while running from the 2 year old with a sword. the tomato juice here also qualifies this drink as a food, god knows mom's forget to eat when they're hustling the kids around all day. so rest assured moms! you won't starve to death as long as you drink a few Angry Mother's a day. it also has a dash of the finest aged balsamic vinegar,for the anti-oxidents of course. nothing will tag on twenty years like two years with a toddler. this drink is sweet, spicy and just plain looks like trouble....kind of like us mom's before the kids. top this drink off with flaming saffron, an All-Seeing-Eye* and of course, a dash of bitters.


MIX:

1 part vodka
2 parts Clamato juice (or tomato juice or V8 if you are in training)
1/4 tsp of the finest aged balsamic vinegar (aged at least as old as you feel)
juice from one lime wedge
dollop of Tapatio sauce (more if you like spicy)
1 dash Bitters

Serve over ice
Garnish with a pinch of dried saffron petals (like the flames in a mother's eyes), a cigarette and a skewer of lime topped off with an ALL SEEING EYE*. because....you all know that mom's see everything.

ALL SEEING EYE

Take one pitted kalamata olive and carefully cut a circle out of it. stuff it with a soft cheese of your choice. blue cheese works very well and gives a slightly blood-shot look. place a small piece of olive back in the center for the pupil.




i like to enjoy an Angry Mother while locked in the bathroom reading old westerns in the empty tub....




flamin' saffron! this is so budget....it's just the petals, not the spice that cost's more per ounce than platinum.




no one escapes the All Seeing Eye of an Angry Mother



 
 
 
marshahubert
Tastes-Like-Fried Baked Chicken
Making the world's fattest food, even fatter.

For those of you who thought frying was the highest fat way to cook chicken, i got good news for you. it's not. this recipe requires using the fattest cuts of chicken, and bake them at high temps. in pools of butter. in order to preserve every bit of fat for your enjoyment i recommend surrounding the chicken with wedges of nutritionally bankrupt white potato's. (if you are going to insist on being healthy, i guess you could use yukons....). no, wait. i take that back. if you are going to insist on being healthy, you better stop reading right now, before you do something you probably won't regret. anyway. you know you want this. this recipe is designed to bring out the best in fried/baked chicken: the fat crispy salty fat skin. you all know the skin is the only reason to even eat chicken. what's chicken meat taste like anyway? that's right, chicken! which tastes, apparently, just like every vague nebulous white meat. so, when making this recipe, don't even worry yourself about how the meat is doing. keep your eye on that golden bubbly fat prize.....

Recommended Drinkin':
I suggest one or two cold beers (in a bottle, this is just fried chicken after all) while you prepare this. and maybe a cold shot of vodka while it cooks. because

Nothing goes with a good beer like vodka
.

Ingredients:

1-2 Cold beers (for drinkin)
6 chicken thighs
  (these are the fattest pieces….fat=good)
2 TBS butter (3 if you are putting potato's in, or if the thighs don't look very fatty)
garlic powder
paprika
ground ginger
dried parsley
salt
pepper


Preheat oven to 425

Sprinkle your fat thighs with salt, garlic powder, fresh ground pepper, ginger, paprika, and dried parsley leaves. Dip them into a dish of flour and thoroughly coat. Tap excess flour off.

Put 2 or 3 TBS butter in a baking pan and pop it in the oven to melt butter. Remove it before the butter burns. Lay chicken pieces skin side down in the butter and bake for 1 hour. Remove pan and flip the pieces over. Return to the oven and bake an additional 15 minutes.

*Cooking time really depends on your oven so this may take some tweaking on your own. Basically skin should be a dark golden brown and very very crispy and the meat should be pulling away from the bone.

Do not attempt to make a low-fat version of this recipe!

*Add extra carbs. and calories to this dish by slicing white potato's lengthwise into wedges and baking them along w/the chicken. Make sure they are fully coated in butter and sprinkled generously with salt.



 

 

sprinkle about yay-much of the seasonings on them thighs:



 



 





It's a little known fact that Tastes-Like-Fried Baked Chicken was actually the inspiration for Sir Mix-A-Lot's hit song "Baby Got Back"....it's true.


 
 
marshahubert
05 May 2008 @ 12:05 pm
Oh man it's good to be free! where the hell was i? all i remember was it was 2002, there was a something about a vodka and pancake eating contest...somehow there was a bear....and a cop..and...ah hell. who cares. it's a blur. anyway, they finally let me out. (from where, i'm not at liberty to say. it was part of my plea agreement. but believe me, it was not pretty. no fresh herbs, no tonic water. total hell. but surprisingly....it's not that hard to distill institution-issue soap into a pretty tasty beverage. and soon i'll be posting instructions for turning the standard cell-block latrine into a very efficient still. but more on that later.....). because right now i'm ready to get back into my own kitchen! now where the hell is that?......

By the way, for those of you who did not sit longingly by the window, counting the days, awaiting my return while painstakingly archiving your collection of Marsha Hubert recipes...i will do you the favor of referring you to this link for old recipes: MarshaHubert.com Do not try and sign up for the email list on that ancient website. that is from the old world of 2000, as you will note by the references to Apollo Ohno and The X Files. those were the days before Blogs when it was still ok to spam your entire email list. those days are gone. you must check in here religiously for all of your favorite Marsha Hubert tidbits. and don't email me (at marshahubert@gmail.com) unless it's really urgent and you're prepared to send me something. like viles of pure saffron or some Amoroso sherry from Garvey bodega which will be very expensive and you will feel very good about giving it as a gift. anyhow, on to today's recipe:


Huevos del Diablo
(The Devil's Eggs.... for you gringo's out there.)

In the struggle between good and evil, i like to sit on the sidelines and drink a nice bloody mary. i mean, is it really necessary to choose sides? like i always say; too many cooks in hell's kitchen spoils the sin-chowder. alright, alright....i'll give the fighter's for goodness some credit what with ambrosia, angel food cake, organic arugula and the like, but i refuse to put money down. i mean, sparkling apple cider is good, but when the dark lord bust's out with baby suckling pig slow roasted with orange marmalade and hot chili....well, i gotta maybe go for the little bacon. and besides, you got to admire the work ethic... he works as hard as anybody and in pretty shitty conditions at that. he keeps the place warm and he don't discriminate. everybody's welcome to dinner, or....everybody is dinner.  whatever. give the devil his due, as they say. The guy's got eggs.


INGREDIENTS:

(and remember people...Marsha Hubert recipes are created during cocktail hour. whatever hour that may be. this one happens to be a midmorning start time, obviously...with the bacon and eggs. but as such, you know i'm prone to forget things. so if this ends up tasting horrible, well- i warned you.)

1 Bloody Mary, for sipping while you prepare this....
3 large hardboiled eggs (is all i had...but obviously, you can just expand all this)
Bacon (a few pieces...some for the eggs, some for dunking in the bloody mary)
3T Mayo
1T fresh Lemon juice
Fresh chives
Salt and Pepper

First, have your bartender mix you up a nice spicy bloody mary. if you don't have a live-in bartender, GET ONE. it'll change your life. once you have your drink ready, take a moment to focus on the task at hand. maybe put on some background music, White Zombie, Mozart's Requiem or the soundtrack from The Omen work well. or, what they actually play in hell: Phil Collins.

Separate the yolks from the eggs and put 'em in a bowl. add mayo and lemon juice. whisk together until smooth and slightly stiff. (not runny! i suggest adding the mayo and juice a bit at a time. you never know exactly how much yoke you're going to have....i can't be responsible for the variations of nature.)

Fry up some bacon and slice it into thin pretty strips.

Chop some chives.

Scoop mixture by the spoonful back into eggs. YOU ALL KNOW HOW TO MAKE DEVILED EGGS. don't pretend you don't. spoon it in. sprinkle eggs with salt and pepper. sprinkle with chives. top off with bacon strips. make another bloody mary and enjoy!











do we need to talk about bacon? i don't know. you all know how i feel about this. DON'T USE CRAPPY BACON. get good bacon. bacon with some meat in it. sliced thick. do whatever you have to to get it. sleep with the butcher if you have to. if you are in the city...someone has good bacon. if you're in the country, get some bacon from the 4-H kid across the road. if you're in the suburbs, where there is no good bacon, move.