Mother F----....i know how late it is! but i got 3 more hours until mother's day is officially over. i would have had this up sooner but i couldn't get an internet connection from the bathroom where i had locked myself in for the day. so here it is...a little late, but you know what- every day is mother's day!


One Angry Mother
Ah mother's day... that mother of all days. and what does every mother need more than anything else? that's right! a stiff drink. what did you think we wanted? flowers? no no no. the only thing that makes being a mother any easier...is vodka. so skip the scones and the eggs benedict and get out the stir sticks.

This is a little variation on a bloody mary, but mary didn't have kids so she didn't need the few extras that i threw in here. This recipe calls for vodka, but you could easily use gin, or whatever you can grab while running from the 2 year old with a sword. the tomato juice here also qualifies this drink as a food, god knows mom's forget to eat when they're hustling the kids around all day. so rest assured moms! you won't starve to death as long as you drink a few Angry Mother's a day. it also has a dash of the finest aged balsamic vinegar,for the anti-oxidents of course. nothing will tag on twenty years like two years with a toddler. this drink is sweet, spicy and just plain looks like trouble....kind of like us mom's before the kids. top this drink off with flaming saffron, an All-Seeing-Eye* and of course, a dash of bitters.


MIX:

1 part vodka
2 parts Clamato juice (or tomato juice or V8 if you are in training)
1/4 tsp of the finest aged balsamic vinegar (aged at least as old as you feel)
juice from one lime wedge
dollop of Tapatio sauce (more if you like spicy)
1 dash Bitters

Serve over ice
Garnish with a pinch of dried saffron petals (like the flames in a mother's eyes), a cigarette and a skewer of lime topped off with an ALL SEEING EYE*. because....you all know that mom's see everything.

ALL SEEING EYE
Take one pitted kalamata olive and carefully cut a circle out of it. stuff it with a soft cheese of your choice. blue cheese works very well and gives a slightly blood-shot look. place a small piece of olive back in the center for the pupil.




i like to enjoy an Angry Mother while locked in the bathroom reading old westerns in the empty tub....




flamin' saffron! this is so budget....it's just the petals, not the spice that cost's more per ounce than platinum.




no one escapes the All Seeing Eye of an Angry Mother

Tastes-Like-Fried Baked Chicken
Making the world's fattest food, even fatter.

For those of you who thought frying was the highest fat way to cook chicken, i got good news for you. it's not. this recipe requires using the fattest cuts of chicken, and bake them at high temps. in pools of butter. in order to preserve every bit of fat for your enjoyment i recommend surrounding the chicken with wedges of nutritionally bankrupt white potato's. (if you are going to insist on being healthy, i guess you could use yukons....). no, wait. i take that back. if you are going to insist on being healthy, you better stop reading right now, before you do something you probably won't regret. anyway. you know you want this. this recipe is designed to bring out the best in fried/baked chicken: the fat crispy salty fat skin. you all know the skin is the only reason to even eat chicken. what's chicken meat taste like anyway? that's right, chicken! which tastes, apparently, just like every vague nebulous white meat. so, when making this recipe, don't even worry yourself about how the meat is doing. keep your eye on that golden bubbly fat prize.....

Recommended Drinkin':
I suggest one or two cold beers (in a bottle, this is just fried chicken after all) while you prepare this. and maybe a cold shot of vodka while it cooks. because

Nothing goes with a good beer like vodka.

Ingredients:

1-2 Cold beers (for drinkin)
6 chicken thighs  (these are the fattest pieces….fat=good)
2 TBS butter (3 if you are putting potato's in, or if the thighs don't look very fatty)
garlic powder
paprika
ground ginger
dried parsley
salt
pepper

Preheat oven to 425

Sprinkle your fat thighs with salt, garlic powder, fresh ground pepper, ginger, paprika, and dried parsley leaves. Dip them into a dish of flour and thoroughly coat. Tap excess flour off.

Put 2 or 3 TBS butter in a baking pan and pop it in the oven to melt butter. Remove it before the butter burns. Lay chicken pieces skin side down in the butter and bake for 1 hour. Remove pan and flip the pieces over. Return to the oven and bake an additional 15 minutes.

*Cooking time really depends on your oven so this may take some tweaking on your own. Basically skin should be a dark golden brown and very very crispy and the meat should be pulling away from the bone.

Do not attempt to make a low-fat version of this recipe!

*Add extra carbs. and calories to this dish by slicing white potato's lengthwise into wedges and baking them along w/the chicken. Make sure they are fully coated in butter and sprinkled generously with salt.

 

 

sprinkle about yay-much of the seasonings on them thighs:

 

 

It's a little known fact that Tastes-Like-Fried Baked Chicken was actually the inspiration for Sir Mix-A-Lot's hit song "Baby Got Back"....it's true.

Oh man it's good to be free! where the hell was i? all i remember was it was 2002, there was a something about a vodka and pancake eating contest...somehow there was a bear....and a cop..and...ah hell. who cares. it's a blur. anyway, they finally let me out. (from where, i'm not at liberty to say. it was part of my plea agreement. but believe me, it was not pretty. no fresh herbs, no tonic water. total hell. but surprisingly....it's not that hard to distill institution-issue soap into a pretty tasty beverage. and soon i'll be posting instructions for turning the standard cell-block latrine into a very efficient still. but more on that later.....). because right now i'm ready to get back into my own kitchen! now where the hell is that?......

By the way, for those of you who did not sit longingly by the window, counting the days, awaiting my return while painstakingly archiving your collection of Marsha Hubert recipes...i will do you the favor of referring you to this link for old recipes: MarshaHubert.com Do not try and sign up for the email list on that ancient website. that is from the old world of 2000, as you will note by the references to Apollo Ohno and The X Files. those were the days before Blogs when it was still ok to spam your entire email list. those days are gone. you must check in here religiously for all of your favorite Marsha Hubert tidbits. and don't email me (at marshahubert@gmail.com) unless it's really urgent and you're prepared to send me something. like viles of pure saffron or some Amoroso sherry from Garvey bodega which will be very expensive and you will feel very good about giving it as a gift. anyhow, on to today's recipe:


Huevos del Diablo
(The Devil's Eggs.... for you gringo's out there.)

In the struggle between good and evil, i like to sit on the sidelines and drink a nice bloody mary. i mean, is it really necessary to choose sides? like i always say; too many cooks in hell's kitchen spoils the sin-chowder. alright, alright....i'll give the fighter's for goodness some credit what with ambrosia, angel food cake, organic arugula and the like, but i refuse to put money down. i mean, sparkling apple cider is good, but when the dark lord bust's out with baby suckling pig slow roasted with orange marmalade and hot chili....well, i gotta maybe go for the little bacon. and besides, you got to admire the work ethic... he works as hard as anybody and in pretty shitty conditions at that. he keeps the place warm and he don't discriminate. everybody's welcome to dinner, or....everybody is dinner.  whatever. give the devil his due, as they say. The guy's got eggs.


INGREDIENTS:
(and remember people...Marsha Hubert recipes are created during cocktail hour. whatever hour that may be. this one happens to be a midmorning start time, obviously...with the bacon and eggs. but as such, you know i'm prone to forget things. so if this ends up tasting horrible, well- i warned you.)

1 Bloody Mary, for sipping while you prepare this....
3 large hardboiled eggs (is all i had...but obviously, you can just expand all this)
Bacon (a few pieces...some for the eggs, some for dunking in the bloody mary)
3T Mayo
1T fresh Lemon juice
Fresh chives
Salt and Pepper

First, have your bartender mix you up a nice spicy bloody mary. if you don't have a live-in bartender, GET ONE. it'll change your life. once you have your drink ready, take a moment to focus on the task at hand. maybe put on some background music, White Zombie, Mozart's Requiem or the soundtrack from The Omen work well. or, what they actually play in hell: Phil Collins.

Separate the yolks from the eggs and put 'em in a bowl. add mayo and lemon juice. whisk together until smooth and slightly stiff. (not runny! i suggest adding the mayo and juice a bit at a time. you never know exactly how much yoke you're going to have....i can't be responsible for the variations of nature.)

Fry up some bacon and slice it into thin pretty strips.

Chop some chives.

Scoop mixture by the spoonful back into eggs. YOU ALL KNOW HOW TO MAKE DEVILED EGGS. don't pretend you don't. spoon it in. sprinkle eggs with salt and pepper. sprinkle with chives. top off with bacon strips. make another bloody mary and enjoy!











do we need to talk about bacon? i don't know. you all know how i feel about this. DON'T USE CRAPPY BACON. get good bacon. bacon with some meat in it. sliced thick. do whatever you have to to get it. sleep with the butcher if you have to. if you are in the city...someone has good bacon. if you're in the country, get some bacon from the 4-H kid across the road. if you're in the suburbs, where there is no good bacon, move.